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Understanding True Love series
Two more "laws" about guy-girl relationships, and saying "No".
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Lesson 6: The Five Laws of Guy-Girl Relationships (part 2)
The Law of Progression
There is a progressive nature in sex—you tend to move toward greater physical intimacy.
Some teens deliberately choose to experience sex. A fellow may hear about it from his older friends and he wants to “score.” Some girls do not want to be different from their friends who are already into sex, so they make the decision to give up their virginity.
There is not much that you can say to someone who has made up his or her mind to have sex. But most guys and girls want to do what is best for them. They have no intention of going all the way, but many of them will end up doing it anyway. Why? Because they did not know about the progressive nature of sex. They did not know about the Law of Progression.
What is the Law of Progression as it relates to sexuality? It is this: When a guy and a girl spend time alone together, the relationship tends to move steadily toward greater physical intimacy.
To begin with, just being together with the person you love is a happy and satisfying experience. But along with this is the desire for physical contact.
The first physical contact in a guy-girl relationship is usually holding hands. This is exciting because it is physical contact and it feels great.
Soon, however, there will be a desire for greater intimacy. The guy may put his arm around the girl. Then comes the first kiss. It may be a simple goodnight kiss, but for him, it is exciting and satisfying. That is wonderful, but the Law of Progression is working. What satisfies you now will not satisfy you later on.
Each time you are alone, you start where you left off last time. The couple begins experimenting with “super kissing”—prolonged kissing. Then comes “French kissing”—kissing with your mouth open. You are now entering a phase where sexual desires are being aroused.
Then comes prolonged sessions of hugging and kissing. The more time you spend together, the more intimate you become.
Then comes “petting.” This is where the hands get into the act. Petting is handling each other’s body—parts normally covered by clothing. It does not include sexual intercourse. It has been defined as “everything but.”
Petting is pleasurable to both the guy and the girl, but it is dangerous because it arouses strong genital feelings. In marriage, this is the foreplay that prepares the couple for sex. But your body does not know that you are not married. The signal to your body is: Get ready for sexual intercourse.
Many guys and girls get involved in petting and see nothing wrong in it because they have no intention of going all the way. But invariably they end up doing what they never intended to do because they did not understand the progressive nature of sex.
Petting is followed by “heavy petting.” Then comes mutual sex play in which the guy and the girl are touching and handling each other’s intimate parts. Sexual passions are further aroused and the couple proceeds to sexual intercourse—something that should be reserved for marriage.
This marks the end of the relationship as it once was. The physical side of the relationship is now overpowering. After this, every time the couple gets alone, the tendency will be to have sex—regardless of the dangers and the problems.
The best way to deal with the Law of Progression is to control things on the physical side. The girl who allows a guy to kiss her on the first or second date is starting out too fast and too far along on the path of physical intimacy. She might like to stop with a little romantic hugging and kissing and keep the relationship at that point. But the Law of Progression is at work, and the relationship will move steadily toward more and more intimacy.
There is a progressive nature in sex. You tend to move steadily toward more and more physical intimacy unless you take definite steps to prevent this.
The Law of Harvest
You will reap what you sow!
Every farmer knows the Law of Harvest: What he plants is what he will reap. If he plants corn, he will reap corn. If he plants watermelons, he will reap watermelons. What you sow is what you reap.
Each of us is planting a “crop” with our lives. Our actions are the “seed.” Sometime in the future we will reap a “harvest.” That harvest will be according to our actions.
When you engage in sex outside of marriage, you are sowing seeds of immorality. At some future time, you will reap the harvest from what you are sowing.
Someone may say, “But I do not believe in the Law of Harvest.” Your believing or not believing in it will not affect its operation.
In the physical realm, there is a natural law called the Law of Gravity. You may not believe in it, but it operates just the same. If you jump off a ten-story building, you will suffer the consequences, regardless of whether or not you believe in the Law of Gravity. The same is true of the Law of Harvest. It operates constantly, whether you believe in it or not.
Television and movies are guilty of promoting the “Big Lie” in sexual matters. What is it? The Big Lie is: Sex is fun and no one has to pay the consequences of sex outside of marriage.
On TV and in the movies, the large majority of sexual encounters are between people who are not married to each other. Night after night on TV and in the movies, you can see people jumping into bed with those other than their marriage partners.
It all seems so exciting, and apparently there are no bad consequences. Young people see this and think this is the life. But it’s a lie! They are being deceived.
So, where is the lie? The media claims to tell it like it is, but they do not. Every day untold thousands of people become infected with a sexually transmitted disease (STD). That is reality. But when have you ever seen anyone on TV or in the movies contract an STD? You do not see it happening to them.
Maybe no one on TV pays the price of illicit sex, but in real life you do. The Law of Harvest is sure. If you sow the seeds of immorality, you will reap bitter fruit.
Some people think that sex outside of marriage is okay so long as it is “responsible sex.” This means “take proper precautions so you don’t get pregnant or get some sexually transmitted disease.” But sex outside of marriage is sin, whether or not you “take precautions.” To say otherwise is like saying, “There is nothing wrong with shoplifting so long as you don’t get caught.”
It is bad enough when you have to suffer for your own wrongdoing, but it is even worse when an innocent person—someone you love—suffers for what you did.
Like a lot of other young men, Joe tried to see how many girls he could seduce. In the process he contracted a sexually transmitted disease. In time, he settled down and married a lovely young lady. This couple had a little son born to them—born blind, due to the disease of his father. Not long after this, his young wife died of the same cause. Then, one night, in his terrible grief and guilt, this young man took his baby in his arms and drove to the graveyard. There, standing over the grave of his wife, he killed his son and took his own life.
If you are going to be involved in sex outside of marriage, then you should take all the “precautions” you can take. But taking precautions will not prevent the Law of Harvest from operating. You will reap what you sow.
You may go for a long time and never get caught. There is no pregnancy, you do not get any disease, and no one discovers what you are doing. But the Law of Harvest says, “There will be a harvest.” This is true and it will happen. You will reap bitter fruit some day.
The matter of sowing and reaping is not all negative. There is a positive side as well. If you are one of those young people with enough courage to go against the crowd and keep yourself pure for marriage, you can look forward to a wonderful harvest.
A young girl named Julijanna chose to remain alone rather than accompany some of her friends to the parties where there was drinking and immorality. To her friends, it seemed that she was missing out on so many teenage pleasures. But she had her reward. Later, a friend wrote about her:
“Look at Julijanna. She has a wonderful life and a beautiful man who loves her deeply. She is happy down to her soul. Julijanna is eating the fruit of her obedient life.”
The Law of Harvest says that you will reap what you sow. Movies and TV promote The Big Lie that no one has to pay the price of illicit sex, but it is different in the real world. You will reap what you sow.
Why you should say No!
It is definitely to your best interest to say no to sex before marriage. By denying yourself some thrills now, you are providing for your brightest future. This is illustrated by the following story.
Suppose you had a fabulously rich uncle who was very fond of you. When you were fourteen, he made you a wonderful promise. He said, “On your sixteenth birthday, I’m going to give you a thousand dollars.”
Wow! Already your mind is working, thinking of all the things you are going to buy. But then your uncle makes you another promise. He says, “That thousand dollars will be yours to do with as you like. But I want to teach you to plan for your future, so I am making you another promise. Whatever you have left of that thousand dollars on your twenty-first birthday, I will give you that amount every month for the rest of your life.”
That changes the whole picture! If you have only $50 left on your twenty-first birthday, you will get $50 per month the rest of your life. If you have $500 left, you will get $500 per month. If you have the whole thousand dollars left, you will get a thousand dollars a month for the rest of your life.
It would definitely be to your advantage to deny yourself the pleasure of spending the thousand dollars in order to provide for the brightest possible future. That is the way it is with sex—you deny yourself some thrills now in order to provide for your brightest possible future.
How to say No!
You say “no” in two ways—verbally and with body language. Both are important. Say “No” with your lips and move away with your body. Sometimes a girl sends conflicting signals. She is saying “NO” with her lips but she’s saying “Maybe” or “Yes” with her body. That never works.
When you say “No,” say it firmly and finally, and move away. You cannot be indecisive. You should NEVER, under any circumstances, allow anyone to pressure you into doing something you do not want to do—something you know is wrong.
A guy will try some things without necessarily expecting the girl to go along with it. This is the time for you to tell him plainly that you are not that type and you are disappointed that he would try such things. Any time a guy’s hands start roaming, that is going “too far.” With some guys, all a girl has to do is quietly and firmly remove the wandering hand and say, “No, please.” With others it may require more drastic action. If a guy does not take your “No” politely, ask him to take you home—NOW.
The word will get around that you are NOT that kind of girl. This will undoubtedly cause some guys (the wrong kind!) to lose interest in you. At the same time, however, it may catch the attention of others (the right kind!). At times it may not seem so, but there are guys who appreciate a girl with high standards.
If you really love each other, sex is not necessary to fulfill your relationship. There are many ways to express love.
Coming across the campus one evening was a couple very much in love. As they neared the girl’s dormitory at closing time, they saw that every available spot on the porch steps was already occupied. Yet, even then, the couple did not find it necessary to add their too-obvious goodnight to all the others.
She turned as they approached the stairs, looked up into his face with hers beaming, put her finger on his chin in a sweetly personal way as she said, “It’s been wonderful. You’re great.” As she ran up the steps, he turned back toward his dorm with such a satisfied look on his face that one knew he did not realize what he had missed!
In fact, it was evident that he had not missed anything really important. She had told him everything a boy wants to hear from a girl he cares about. She told him she enjoyed being with him, that she had had a wonderful time, and she liked him very much and in a very special way.
Of course, this girl did not go around touching every fellow on the chin! This gesture was important to him because it was just for him and it showed that he was special to her.
Sometimes it may be necessary for a guy to instruct his girlfriend on the facts of togetherness. Girls have no idea how some things they do excite a guy sexually.
Carlos and Anna were very fond of each other. They had been going together steadily for some time, when Carlos found it necessary to talk things over with her. He said something like this: “I love you very much, so much that I want you close always. But when you sit on my lap like this, my feelings become almost more than I can handle. So slide over on your side of the seat and let’s go get something to eat.” Carlos was taking his share of the responsibility for their relationship.
It is very unwise to let the situation get out of hand. To stop lovemaking when it is already advancing at a rapid rate is not easy, but it can be done. Many girls have found that quoting a Bible verse like John 3:16 changes things.
Practical steps to saying No!
Saying NO begins in the heart, but it must be lived out in your actions. Here are some practical steps that will help you carry out your decision:
- Write out your standards. What you will and will not do. You need some unshakable, unbreakable rules—rules that you are not going to break for anyone. Things like:
- I will keep myself pure for the one I will marry.
- I will not engage in petting.
- I will not go to my boyfriend’s house or invite him to come to my house when no one else is at home.
- I will not go to parties where I know there will be drinking, drugs, and sex.
A girl should be careful how she dresses. How many buttons do you leave unbuttoned on your blouse? Guys notice those kinds of things. You may be saying one thing with your lips and something else by the way you dress.
- Plan your dates. Know what you will be doing. When the planned part is over, let the date be over. One young person after another can say, “It was when we didn’t plan our dates and had too much free time that we got into trouble."
- Communicate your sexual standards up front. Today many guys who go out with a girl more than once or twice expect her to have sex with him. This is why you need to spell out your standards up front. Say, “I don’t want to be involved sexually, and I don’t want to pet. I don’t want to French kiss.” You will save yourself a lot of hassles and a lot of grief if you do this. If his standards do not agree with yours, it would be best not to date that person.
Look to your future in saying No!
In a survey of over 11,000 young people, 94% of the girls and 76% of the guys said that it is acceptable to say NO to sex. It is not only “acceptable,” it is smart. It is like money in the bank. The person who puts money in a savings account is not throwing it away. He is looking ahead to his future.
Saying no to sex before marriage is looking ahead to your future. It is building a “love savings account” to be withdrawn at the right time and spent with great joy with the right person.
To their surprise, many girls have discovered that when the word got out that they were virgins and intended to stay that way, they had more dates and better quality friendships. The guys knew that they did not have to perform sexually, so the fellow and the girl could concentrate on getting to know each other and having a great time.
Let’s face it—keeping yourself pure in our sex-crazy world is not easy. It takes courage for a guy to leave a party when the couples start wandering off to the bedrooms. It takes courage for a girl to say NO and keep saying it when others are not. But the reward is great.
A girl who was keeping herself pure told her father that sometimes she wondered why she was waiting. He replied wisely, “I think I can tell you why you are waiting. You are waiting to be free from the nagging voice of conscience and feeling guilty. Free to give all of yourself to the right person.”
The reward for saying NO to sex before marriage comes later, but it is a wonderful reward. What is it? It is this: Being able to begin your married life with no shame, no guilt, no regrets, and no STDs!
“Saying NO” may take place in a house or a parked car, but it has to start in your heart long before then. You can say NO, and there are ways to do it. You need to program yourself ahead of time to know exactly what you will do…and then do it!
How to please God
Most people live their lives on the principle: “I will do what pleases me.”
For a Christian, things are different. If the Lord Jesus is your Savior, you do not belong to yourself; you belong to God. You were a slave in Satan’s kingdom, but God “bought” you with a great price.
What was the price God paid for you? The price was the death of His Son. The Bible says,
“...you were not redeemed...with silver and gold...but with the precious blood of Christ...” (1 Peter 1:18-19).
Christ is not only our Savior, but He is our Lord. He has the right to sit on the throne of our heart. That throne is not for two, but for one. That One is Christ, not SELF. The Bible says,
“...you are not your own, for you are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20).
Choosing to live your life to please God will settle a thousand questions in your life. When you are faced with a big decision, you will not run around to all your friends, asking for their opinions. Instead, you will ask yourself, “Will this be pleasing to God?”
All sex outside of marriage is forbidden by God. When it comes to God’s will concerning sex, the Bible says,
“For this is the will of God, even your sanctification [purity]: that you should abstain from fornication [sexual immorality]” (1 Thessalonians 4:3).
The word “sanctification” means “set apart for God.” My body, which the Bible calls a “vessel,” belongs to God, but God has given me possession of it. I am entrusted with my “vessel,” to hold it for God. I am to glorify God in my body. The Bible says,
“Every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification [purity] and honor; not in lustful passion, like the heathen who do not know God” (1 Thessalonians 4:4-5).
It pleases God when we control our body in holiness, purity and honor. Knowing that we are pleasing to God brings great joy to our heart.
When we live like the unsaved people of the world and do what they do, it is a triumph for Satan and a defeat for God. But when we live in purity and honor, we are glorifying God in our body. This is a very great triumph for God!