Teen Talk II, Lesson 2

Most young people spend considerable time daydreaming about getting married some day and having a happy home. But the road that leads to a happy marriage has many "pitfalls" along the way.

A pitfall is a carefully concealed trap. On the surface, it looks harmless, but when you walk on it, you fall into a deep pit.

Satan is an expert at building "pitfalls." His carefully concealed traps look innocent enough, but they are deadly. Some of these "pitfalls" can keep you from ever having a beautiful marriage and a happy home. Let us consider ten of them.

The "live for the moment" philosophy is everywhere! We are bombarded with the idea: "You only go through life once, so grab for all the gusto you can!"

This way of thinking is as old as the hills. In time past it went under the saying: "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die." One thing wrong with this is that we don't usually die tomorrow. Instead, we have to live with our mistakes. Some sins have lifetime consequences, and we must also face judgment for them after death.

Satan has always tried to promote the idea of living for the moment because it causes people to do things they would never do if they considered the future. A nineteen-year-old girl with two illegitimate children said, "When you are young, all you think about is the weekend."

But life is more than a weekend. It's the rest of your life here, and forever in the next world. If you reject Christ and end up in hell, you are not there for the weekend. It's forever!

How to avoid this pitfall:

Recognize the seriousness and sacredness of life. What you do now affects both this life and your life hereafter.

The slogan, "If it feels good, do it," expresses another philosophy which has permeated our society. The whole drug scene is based on the idea: "Get a good feeling now, no matter what happens later."

Some people who ought to know better think that almost anything is all right if it gives them a good feeling. There is even a song which promotes this idea with the line: "It can't be wrong when it feels so right."

Don't be gullible enough to believe that! Just because something gives you a good feeling does not mean that it is right. You might get a good feeling out of stealing a new car and riding around in it, but that wouldn't make it right.

How to avoid this pitfall:

Don't let your feelings control your actions.

It's easy for young people to fall into the pitfall of sexual immorality. Many are into sex sins, and they seem to be getting away with it. But no one can violate God's moral laws without sooner or later paying a terrible price. A single act of immorality can have tragic consequences.

A young man, the son of Chnstian parents went to an immoral girl and had sexual relations with her. From this one-time sexual relationship, he contracted a venereal disease. He received medical attention, but the disease was not brought under control. In less than a year, he was dead.

How to avoid this pitfall:

Keep yourself pure. What you get out of immorality is not worth what it costs you.

Those who marry in their teens are asking for trouble. Teen marriages are twice as likely to end in divorce as those of couples who were in their twenties when they married. The odds are even worse when the bride is under eighteen.

There are at least two major disadvantages to teen marriages. First of all, if you try to choose your marriage partner while you are still in your teens, you will probably make a wrong choice.

Secondly, most teens are not mature enough to handle marriage. It requires large amounts of unselfish, caring love to make a marriage work, and it takes a lot of "growing up" before a person has that kind of love.

How to avoid this pitfall:

Take your time about getting married...lots of time.

Girls need to get over the idea that the chief end of life is marriage. The fear of missing the last chance for "marital bliss" causes many a girl to ignore her better judgment and jump into a disastrous marriage. She may see a number of warning flags, but she thinks, "Well, it probably won't be the best marriage in the world, but what could be worse than living alone?"

The answer to this is: A bad marriage is much worse than living alone. Women by the untold thousands could tell you that a bad marriage is among the most miserable experiences that anyone can have on this earth. It is filled with hatred, rejection, resentment and hurt feelings. And often children are the innocent victims of such a marriage.

How to avoid this pitfall:

Learn to be happy and satisfied while you are single, and you won't feel pressured to jump into an unwise marriage.

Marrying someone with the expectation of changing him is about like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. The chances of a safe landing are about the same in both cases.

As risky as it is, many girls are still willing to gamble on their future happiness by marrying a fellow in the hope of changing him. A girl may argue with herself, "I know Jim drinks too much and chases other girls, but I think he will change after we are married. "

This is wishful thinking and it is 100% wrong. You do not change a person's basic nature by marrying him. If there are problems before marriage, they will likely be worse after marriage.

How to avoid this pitfall:

Don't expect to change someone after marriage. What you see is what you get!

Trying out sex before marriage is often presented as a very reasonable course of action. A guy will say, "You wouldn't buy a pair of shoes without trying them on, so why marry without trying out sex?"

There are several reasons why the "try it out first" idea is not good. Marrying someone cannot be compared to buying a pair of shoes. A woman is not to be thought of as a piece of merchandise to be "tried out," but a life partner to be loved and cherished. She is precious and priceless in God's sight, and she ought to be the same in your sight. Remember, you are looking for a life partner, not just a sex partner.

Furthermore, a before-marriage test of sex is NOT a valid sample of what sex will be like within the marriage. Consider the following case history:

A teacher in her late twenties and a young plumber became good fnends. They had a great deal in common. The more time they spent with each other, the more they were certain that their love was real.

But they had one big problem. He said he could not agree to marry her unless they first tested out their sexual adjustment. To this she simply could not agree. She felt strongly that sex was only for marriage. To try it out beforehand, even with one she loved, went against her every belief and feeling. Yet he insisted. He just refused to marry otherwise. Finally, with great reluctance and deep feelings of guilt and fear, she agreed to submit to sex rather than lose her beloved.

Any good marriage counselor could guess how that experiment would turn out. Her nervous fears and guilt made her so inhibited that the sex session was a dismal failure. Convinced that their sex life would never work out, he broke off the engagement, leaving her in a state of shock and depression.

How to avoid this pitfall:

Don't accept the foolish "try out sex before marriage" idea. If you have real love going for you, you don't need to worry about your sex life being good. It will be!

Living together without the benefit of a marriage ceremony has become popular among many people. Men usually like the "living together" arrangement. Why shouldn't they? They have somebody to wash their clothes, cook their meals, and provide sex when they want it - all with little or no responsibility on their part. They can come and go as they please. When they want to leave permanently, there is nothing to keep them from doing so.

The arrangement is not quite as satisfactory to the woman. The most common complaint among live-in women is, "Sometimes I get the feeling that I'm being used." It is no wonder that they get that feeling!

When you ask women why they choose such an arrangement, the most frequent answer they give is that they are looking forward to getting married. But their hopes for marriage are often disappointed. The men usually reason, "Why should I marry her when I am getting all the benefits of marriage without the responsibilities? Besides, I may want a change some day and it will be much easier this way."

That is pure selfishness! Even if a woman manages to get such a man to marry her, she won't have much.

The false idea that marriage thrives best when it is on a "come and go as you please" basis is expressed by the popular song entitled, "Gentle on My Mind." In this song, the man says that it was not the "ink-stained signatures on some old marriage certificate" that kept him coming to his lover's home. It was knowing that he could leave any time he wanted to. It was his freedom to come and go as he pleased that kept her "gentle on his mind."

How foolish! And how selfish! He does not say anything about the woman and how she feels watching him come and go "as he pleases." And the song says nothing about who pays the bills in such a home, nor does it take into account the little children who may be born to such a relationship, children who would always be wondering, "Where is Daddy? When is he coming home?"

A successful marriage and a happy home are based on unselfish love and commitment between husband and wife. You will never have such a home with the "come and go as you please" arrangement of living together.

How to avoid this pitfall:

Don't accept a cheap, immoral "play marriage." Wait for the real thing.

Many, many Christians are bound in miserable, unhappy marriages because they disobeyed a plain command of the Lord. In His Word, God commands believers not to marry unbelievers. The Bible says,"Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers..." 2 Corinthians 6:14

Christians who are contemplating marriage to unbelievers usually feel that somehow their particular situation is different and that this command does not apply to them. But God's Word plainly says that Christians are not to be yoked together with unbelievers.

A yoke is a device used to join together two work animals for a common purpose, such as pulling a plow. Thus, to be "yoked together" with another person means to be united or joined with that person.

When a Christian marries a non-Christian, he or she is "unequally yoked together" with an unbeliever. This is never God's will. You should settle this in your mind, once for all: It is never God's will for a Christian to marry an unsaved person.

God has good reasons for telling His children that they must not marry unbelievers. God's ultimate goal for two people in marriage is to achieve oneness. Jesus said, "For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; and they two shall be one flesh." Complete oneness in body, soul, and spirit can never be achieved when one marriage partner is a believer and the other a non-believer.

God does not say, "Be not unequally yoked together with an unbeliever" because you cannot fall in love with an unbeliever. You can fall in love with an unbeliever.

God does not say, "Be not unequally yoked together with an unbeliever" because you cannot enjoy sex with an unbeliever. You can enjoy sex with an unbeliever.

God says, "Be not unequally yoked together with an unbeliever" because you cannot achieve complete oneness with an unbeliever. Marriage is the most intimate of all human relationships, and there is no way that a believer can have perfect and complete oneness with an unbeliever.

In His Word, God has given five reasons why a believer should never marry an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14-16):

1. "What fellowship (oneness) has righteousness with unrighteousness?" The answer is: None. The believer is righteous in God's sight because he has taken Christ as his Savior and he is clothed in Christ's righteousness. The unbeliever is unrighteous in God's sight because he is rejecting Christ. Therefore, there can be no oneness between them.

2. "What communion (oneness) has light with darkness?" The answer is: None at all! There can never be any "oneness" between light and darkness. The believer was once in spiritual darkness, but he has come into God's marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9). The unbeliever is still in spiritual darkness and, unless he comes to Christ, his future is eternal darkness. Just as there can be no oneness between light and darkness so there can be no real oneness between a believer and an unbeliever.

3. "What concord (oneness) has Christ with Belial (Satan)?" Again the answer is: None whatsoever. There can never be oneness between Christ and Satan. And there can never be real oneness between a believer whose spiritual father is God and an unbeliever whose spiritual father is Satan (John 8:44).

4. "What part (oneness) has he that believes with an infidel (an unbeliever)?" The answer is: None. The Christian's interest is in God, in His work, and in the glorious future that awaits him in Heaven. The unbeliever's interest is in this world and the things of this world. There can be no real oneness between them.

5. "What agreement (oneness) has the temple of God with idols?" Again, the answer is: None. The Christian's body is called "the temple of God" because God dwells in him and he worships God. The unbeliever's body is called "a temple of idols" because he puts other things ahead of God in his life. Just as there can be no oneness between God and idols, so there can be no true oneness between a believer and an unbeliever.

When you come right down to it, someone who loves Jesus just does not have much in common with someone who does not love Him. You may enjoy doing some things together, but when it comes to the things that really matter, you will be far, far apart.

Sometimes, in order to get a Christian girl to marry him, a fellow may make a "commitment" to Christ. He starts going to church with his girl because he sees that it makes her happy. He may even be baptized and join the church. But unless he is genuinely born again, his "commitment" won't last. Once they are married, she will discover that he has not

Jesus said that we can distinguish between real Christians and false Christians by observing the fruit of their lives. He said, "By their fruit you shall know them." This means that, if a person is truly born again, there will be evidence of this in his life in the things he says and the things he does.

Before considering marrying a guy, a girl should ask: Is he a sincere lover of God? Can I clearly see the evidence of genuine faith in his life? Does he have the kind of fruit in his life that a real Christian should have?

The tragedy is that most girls don't take time to ask such questions. They do not have the patience to carefully examine the fruit. As soon as he looks like he is even thinking about becoming a Christian, she begins picking out bridesmaid dresses.

If you make the mistake of marrying an unbeliever, you cannot say, "Oh, well, I made a mistake so I'll get a divorce." It doesn't work that way. Marriage is for life. If your unbelieving mate is willing to remain with you, you must stay with him or her no matter how difficult it may be. (See 1 Corinthians 7:10-15.)

How to avoid this pitfall:

Determine that you will never, under any circumstances, marry a non-Christian.

Many Christian young people do not understand why they are warned not to date non-Christians. The reason is this: Dating often leads to engagement and marriage.

You may not realize it but Satan is quite a matchmaker. He loves to mess up the lives of Christian young people by getting them married to the wrong persons. He does this by encouraging them to date non-Christians.

Most Christian young people don't see anything wrong with dating non-Christians. But remember, a pitfall is a concealed trap. You don't see the danger of it until you fall into it, and then it's too late.

An older man of God heard that a Christian girl was going with an unbeliever and considering marrying him. He asked her if what he had heard was true. When she admitted that it was, he replied, "Remember this, if you marry that man you will be joined together for life with one who is a child of the devil, and for the rest of your days you will have Satan for your father-in-law."

Pastors by the thousands spend much of their time counseling Christian young people who have become emotionally involved with unbelievers through dating them. Invariably these young people lament, "I didn't intend getting so involved. Now I can't give him (or her) up!"

Many do not give them up. Instead, they make the tragic mistake of marrying an unbeliever. There is virtually no sadder situation than that of one who loves the Lord and wants to serve Him being married to some one who cares nothing about spiritual things.

The Christian who says "I have no intention of marrying an unbeliever but I think it's all right to date one" is overlooking the fact that every such date has the potential of a disastrous life-long relationship. Someone has well said, "Any Christian foolish enough to date an unbeliever is foolish enough to marry one."

Even if the dating does not lead to marriage, it causes problems. Spending time with the wrong person is opening yourself up to an emotional involvement that will not be easy to get out of. Once you have given your heart and emotions to someone, it is difficult to take them back, even when you know you should.

How to avoid this pitfall:

Don't date non-Christians. If you don't date unbelievers, you won't marry one.

Break Wrong Relationships...Now!

If God has shown you that you are now involved in a wrong relationship, don't go around asking your friends what you should do. You don't need to go to your pastor to ask him. You don't even need to pray and ask God to give you "wisdom" to know what you should do. You just need to obey God and break that relationship... NOW!

Questions