Teen Talk 1, Lesson 6

Most young people desire and look forward to a happy marriage, but many of the choices relating to a happy marriage are made long before two people say, "I do."

Your dating patterns and the things you do now will have much to do with the quality of your life after marriage.

A famous newspaper columnist who deals with boy-girl relationships was asked why she directed most of her advice about the problems of sex to girls and not to the fellows. Her answer was short and direct: "Because girls get pregnant. "

It is a fact of life that girls are the ones who suffer the most from a love affair that gets out of hand. If pregnancy occurs, it is the girl's body that will undergo the changes. And society usually lays most of the blame on her - "She should have known better." That does not seem fair, but that's the way it is.

What Every Girl Needs to Know About Fellows

There are some basic differences between the sexes that every girl should know. The male is different from the female, not only physically, but in other ways as well. Basically, males are aggressive and they have strong sexual desires. Females are, by nature, "giver-inners."

Fellows are turned on quickly. Their sexual desires are quickly aroused and are not necessarily connected with love. When a fellow says, "I love you," he may just mean, "I would like to have sex with you. " His sexual desire is NOT an evidence of true love.

Girls tend to think of love more in terms of romantic feelings. A girl longs for strong arms to hold her and someone to love and care for her. She is not primarily thinking sex. The typical girl would not think of having sex with a fellow unless she thought she loved him and he loved her. But that is not always true of fellows. A fellow may seek sex with a girl without caring a thing about her as a person.

It has been said: A girl will give sex to get love, and a fellow will give "love" to get sex. Girls need to understand that they cannot get true love by giving sex. The kind of love a fellow gives to get sex is NOT true love.

Sexual desire is NOT an evidence of true love!

If she does not know the facts of life, she may reason like this: "Larry wants to have sex with me. I wouldn't want to have sex with anybody unless I really loved him, so Larry must really love me."

Hold it, Debbie! Don't get carried away with that reasoning. Sexual desire in itself is NOT an evidence or proof of true love.

Most fellows know that a girl will not give in unless she thinks the fellow loves her. So Larry comes on with the love bit - "I love you, Debbie, and I always will. I want you to be my one and only girl. One day we'll get married." Again Debbie had better not be taken in by such words. She had better "guard her affections."

You Must Know the Difference

Girls, for the sake of your future, you MUST know the difference between real love and false love which may be simply lust or sexual attraction.

Real love, the kind that you can build a marriage on, is unselfish. It desires what is best for the other person. It is willing to wait and to sacrifice.

False love, or lust, on the other hand is selfish through and through. It wants immediate satisfaction, regardless of how it may affect the other person.

Suppose you are out with a guy you like and he says, "I really love you. If you love me, prove it." By this he means, "Prove your love for me by having sex with me."

Does he really love you? No, he does not! If he really loved you, he would want what is best for you. But he is asking you to: Surrender your purity... Commit a terrible sin... Throw away your self-respect... Damage your reputation. And risk getting into trouble that could ruin your life.

Is that real love? No, it is not! What he wants is a thrill at your expense. A guy who really loves a girl wants what is best for her, and he would rather cut off his right arm than do anything that would harm her.

What is Wrong With "Petting"?

Petting is the promiscuous handling of each other's body. It includes hugging, kissing, fondling, and even the exploration of the more erotic parts of each other's body. It does not include the act of sexual intercourse.

Many a fellow and girl get involved in petting and they see nothing wrong with it since neither of them intends to "go all the way. " But almost invariably they end up doing what they never intended doing. Why? Because they did not understand "the law of diminishing returns" as it relates to sex.

What is "the law of diminishing returns"? It is simply this: What satisfies you now in the areas of sexual stimulation will not satisfy you later on.

The first time a guy holds his girl's hand, it is a thrilling sensation! He is perfectly satisfied...for awhile. After so long a time, he wants to go on to something more exciting. At that point a simple kiss may provide the new thrill that he seeks. Before long, however, he is seeking a more intimate kind of kiss or some caressing.

Both guys and girls need to know this about petting: What satisfies you now will not satisfy you later on. The more you get, the more you want.

Those who go steady over a period of time almost invariably become more intimate. They tend to start out each "petting session" where they left off the last time. Soon they are involved sexually and they say, "We never intended going this far."

Don't think it can't happen to you. Even steel will melt if it is exposed to high temperatures over a long period of time.

How to say "No"

We have said that guys are quickly aroused. Girls are more slowly aroused. This God-given characteristic is a girl's protection; it enables her to put on the brakes when things are in danger of going too far.

In case you do not know what "too far" is, it is when a boy's hands start roaming. When that happens, he is trying to arouse you sexually. If you allow it to continue, it will stir in you emotions that you will not be able to control.

With some guys, the quiet but firm removal of the wandering hand with a "No, please" is enough to get the message across. With others, it may take a slap in the face. If a boy does not accept your "No" politely, ask him to take you home - NOW.

The word will get around with the fellows that you are NOT that kind of girl. This will undoubtedly cause some guys (the wrong kind!) to lose interest in you. At the same time, however, it may create a new interest on the part of others (the right kind!). At times it may not seem so, but there are young men of the right kind looking for the right kind of girls.

If you really love each other, sex is not necessary to fulfill your relationship. There are many ways to express love.

Coming across the campus...one evening were a couple very much in love. As they neared the girl's dormitory at closing time, they saw that every available spot on the porch steps was already occupied. Yet, even then, that couple did not find it necessary to add their too-obvious goodnight to all the others. She turned as they approached the stairs, looked up into his face with hers beaming, put her finger on his chin in a sweetly personal way as she said, "lt's been wonderful. You're awesome." As she ran up the steps, he turned back toward his dorm with such a satisfied look on his face that one knew he did not realize what he had missed! In fact, it was evident that he had not missed anything really important. She had told him everything a boy wants to hear from a girl he cares about. She told him that she enjoyed being with him, that she had had a wonderful time, and that she liked him very much and in a very special way.

Of course, this girl did not go around touching every fellow on the chin! This gesture was important to him because it was just for him and it showed him that he was special to her.

Fellows, remember that God expects you to take the lead in these matters. You should take your share of the responsibility Do not make a girl have to say "No." Treat her like you want a fellow to treat the girl you will marry some day.

Sometimes it may be necessary for you to instruct your girlfriend on some of the facts of togetherness. Girls have no idea how some things they do excite a boy sexually.

Fritz and Jane were very fond of each other. They had been going together steadily for some time, when Fritz found it necessary to talk things over with her. He said something like this: "I love you very much, so much that I want you close always. But when you sit on my lap like this, my feelings become almost more than I can cope with. So slide over on your side of the seat and let's go get a hamburger." Fritz was taking his share of the responsibility for their relationship.

Stopping love-making that is already advancing at a rapid rate is not easy but it can be done. A girl can say, "Hey, I'm hungry. Let's go get something to eat." One girl said that when things were going too fast, she turned the key in the ignition and said sweetly, "Will you drive, or shall I?" Another girl said that, in emergencies, she began quoting John 3:16.

If you are a Christian, you can say, "It may seem that we are alone, but we're not. Jesus Christ is right here with us. I don't want to do anything that would make Him ashamed of me."

Decide Now to Say "No"

Saying "No" may take place in a parked car, but it has to start in your heart long before then. Sexual temptations are sure to come to both fellows and girls. You should prepare yourself now for such situations.

Sooner or later, you will likely be with someone of the opposite sex who will let you know that he or she would like to have sex with you or will permit you to have the experience. When that happens, your emotions may be aroused and you may not have much time to decide what to do. You should know ahead of time what you will do in such a situation.

Prepare yourself now for that time. Determine now that you want precious love in your life, not cheap sex. Make up your mind now that you are going to keep yourself for the one who will one day be your marriage partner.

When the time comes to say "No," say it firmly and finally. You cannot be wishy-washy about this. You should never allow anyone to pressure you into doing something that you do not want to do or something that you know is wrong. It is not just one date that is involved, it is your whole future. Your future happiness depends in large measure on your decision to keep yourself for the one you will some day marry.

Make it plain to your date that you are not about to go all the way with him or anybody else before marriage...PERIOD! Tell your boyfriend, "Someday I'm going to be married and then sex will be all that God intended it to be. I'm sure not going to mess up things now . "

"But I don't want to lose him."

Girls are continually facing this situation: "My boyfriend is trying to get me to go all the way with him. I know I shouldn't, but I don't want to lose him."

You may think that the best way to keep your boyfriend is to let him do what he wants to do, but girls by the thousands could tell you by sad experience that it does not work out that way. Most of the time, when a girl gives in to a fellow against her better judgment, she ends up losing both her purity and her boyfriend.

Many a girl can never understand why a guy dropped her after she gave in to him and did what he had been begging her to do. The reason is simple: For many fellows, the thrill is in the chase. After the conquest has been made, he loses interest and moves on to the next challenge. The poor girl is left to try to pick up the pieces of her life the best way she can.

A girl can never understand why a fellow drops her after she gives in to him.

There is another reason why a fellow will drop a girl after she gives in to him. He loses respect for her. Many a guy talks a girl into having sex with him, and this satisfies him for the time being. But the girl becomes "cheap" in his sight and, later on, he is attracted to another girl with high standards.

Girls, make up your mind now that you are going to say "No" to sex before marriage, even if it means losing some fellow that you really like. Just tell your boyfriend straight out, "I think you will like and respect me more if our relationship stays the way it is now. Anyway, I'll take that chance."

Any decent fellow should respect you for having high standards and sticking to them. If you lose a fellow because of your standards, you will know that it was sex he wanted, not love.

Let's face it, girls, some fellows will drop you if they don't get what they want. If a fellow drops you for saying "No" to sex before marriage, you can be sure that he is NOT God's choice for you. You may really like him, but he is not the only fellow in the world. God has a lot of guys and He has the right one for you!

Should Guys Say "No" Too?

Yes, they definitely should! Some fellows have the idea that there is one standard for girls and another one for them. But there is no "double standard" with God. He expects the same purity of guys that He does of girls. You cannot violate God's laws without suffering the consequences. Here is what one fellow wrote:

I am 16 years old. I have a serious problem. I made love to a 16-year-old girl that I am seriously in love with. I am ashamed of my sin. My parents are Christians and they tried to raise me right. They were really shocked...I Iost the only person I ever loved because of this making-love-before-marriage.

Sue says she loves me, but my parents think she is no good just because we made love. To be honest with you, this was the first time for both of us.

I'm hurt and so is Sue. I don't know what to do...l Iove that girl and I hate to lose her... If only I had one more chance.

Sometimes it is not the guy who is pushing things, it is a "fast" girl looking for sex. Guys, if you allow yourself to get tangled up with a girl like that, be prepared for a life of misery because you will surely have it.

A wise person is one who can foresee the consequences of his actions and acts accordingly. If you are wise, you will learn to say "No"--

"NO!" to your desires and passions.

"NO!" to the "fast" girl who has little or no morals.

"NO!" to the gang who wants you to do things you will be ashamed of.

Sure, you have strong sexual desires, but you can control them. You do not have to let them control you.

The guy who conquers himself and his passions becomes a strong and noble man. And one day he will make some girl a good husband. She will be able to trust him because she knows he can control himself. And he will thank God that he did not play around with sex before marriage.

The Best Way to Say "No"

The best way to say "No" to sex before marriage is to say "No" to petting. Petting is not sexual satisfaction: It is only sexual stimulation. It does not satisfy you. The more you get, the more you want.

Most young people who become involved sexually never intended going that far. Counselors every where hear the familiar wail, "Honestly, we did not mean to!" No, they did not mean to, but they got involved in petting, and eventually their passions overwhelmed them.

By now you should have made up your mind that sex before marriage is not for you. You should likewise make up your mind that petting is not for you.

If you do not intend going all the way why build "the fires of passion," hoping that somehow you will be able to stop short of going all the way?

God strongly disapproves of petting. It comes down to this: Do you want to obey God or disobey Him?

Excuses

"Everybody's doing it."

This is simply not true. Everybody is NOT doing it. Sure, there are lots of young people who are playing around with sex. But it is also true that in every school and community there are plenty who are not doing it. If you choose to be among this last group, you will have lots of company.

Guys and girls, do not be teased, kidded, or talked into doing what you know you should not do.

A girl came to a Christian counselor in tears. She said, "I've always wanted to wait for the guy that God had for me to marry, but you can't imagine the pressures. One of my friends laughed at me the other day because I am still a virgin."

"Look," the counselor said, "you've got your life to live and she has hers. Ten years from now you ought to get together with her and see who comes out on top."

"We'll get married as soon as we can."

Many a girl has fallen for this line. Some still do. The best answer to this is: "If you are talking about marriage, my father would like to talk with you. "

"I can't help myself."

Wow! Wouldn't you hate to be married to someone who did things "because he couldn't help himself"? Regardless of what he says, remember that sex is never an emergency. He will not suffer any brain damage! Tell him to get out of the car and run around awhile.

"If you loved me, you would let me."

Any girl who gives in to a boy to "prove her love" is in for a big let-down. The only thing this proves is that she did not have the good sense and control to say "No."

As we have said before, if you really love each other, sex is not necessary to fulfill your relationship. There are many ways to express love. If your boyfriend insists that sex is necessary, you had better get another boyfriend.

"Just this once."

One time doing something wrong is one time too many. Your virginity is something precious. You can give it to only one person and you can give it only one time. Save it for the right person and the right time. That person is the one you marry and that time is your wedding night.

Guys and girls, remember this: You do not have to have an answer for every argument some one comes up with. The fact that you do not want to do something is reason enough for not doing it. If you think it is wrong, it is wrong for you, no matter what others do.

There is nothing good about immorality. It is not only wrong, it is just plain dumb. It causes the loss of your self-respect and it damages your chances of a happy marriage.

Purity, on the other hand, is beautiful! Purity is power. It means that a person has character, self-respect and courage. Everyone knows that it takes a lot more courage to stand up for what you believe than to go along with the crowd.

God's Way is Best

We need to see this: God's will for us and what is best for us are one and the same thing. God always desires what is best for us. Every "You shall not" of God is an expression of His love. He has your best interest at heart. God does not give us rules to keep us from enjoying life; He gives us rules so that we might enjoy life to the fullest and over the longest period of time.

Choosing God's will and God's way will not be easy, but it pays big dividends. A young girl named Julijanna chose God's will and God's way in her life. To her friends it seemed as though she was missing out on so many teenage pleasures. But Julijanna had her reward. Later, a friend wrote about her:

Julijanna did not follow the ways of sin in her youth. She chose to remain alone rather than to accompany the rest of us to the dances and parties where there was wickedness and immorality.

Look at Julijanna. She has a wonderful life and a beautiful man who loves her deeply. She is happy down to her soul. Julijanna is eating the fruit of her obedient life.

FACT No. 1

Couples who engage in premarital sex are more likely to break up before marriage than those who do not.

The young woman who is considering giving in to her boyfriend to keep him would be more likely to keep him if she did not give in.

FACT No. 2

Many men do not want to marry a woman who has had sex with someone else.

Since this is true, being a virgin will greatly enhance your chances of being chosen for a mate.

FACT No. 3

Virgins tend to have happier marriages than non-virgins.

Your chances of being happily married are definitely better if you wait until you are married to have sex.

FACT No. 4

Those who have sex before marriage are more likely to split up or be divorced after marriage.

The more premarital sex the individuals have had, the greater the chance of divorce.

FACT No. 5

Non-virgins are more likely to commit adultery after they are married than virgins.

Again, the more premarital sex the individual has had, the more likely he or she is to commit adultery.

FACT No. 6

Non-virgins are more likely to be fooled into marrying the wrong person than virgins.

Sex can blind you. You may think that you have found real love, when in fact it is only sex which has held you together.

FACT No. 7

Persons with premarital sex experience are less likely to be satisfied with their total sex life after marriage.

FACT No. 8

Having sex before marriage can push you into a poor marriage.

Often a couple become serious and think that they will marry, so they have sex. Later, they have misgivings about marrying; but may feel duty-bound to marry anyway because they have had sex. Their guilt pushes them into a poor marriage.

FACT No. 9

Having sex before marriage tends to spoil sex after marriage.

The guilt, fear and loss of self esteem associated with sex before marriage will carry over and tend to spoil the sex life of the couple after marriage.

From Sex, Love, or Infatuation: How can I really know? by Dr. Ray Short. Augsburg Publishing House.