Teen Talk 1, Lesson 5

One of the exciting things about teen years is that fellows discover girls! That scrawny girl you once delighted in teasing has suddenly become a picture of feminine beauty. You now enjoy her company!

The desire to associate with someone of the opposite sex is as natural as the sun rising in the morning. This brings up the subject of dating.

What is a date? A date is a prearranged time spent with a person of the opposite sex. Everyone wants someone to talk to, someone with whom they can share their joys and their problems.

There are different kinds of dates. Group dating is several couples getting together. When only two couples go out together, it is called a double date. A single date is going out with just the other person.

First-time dates are usually group dates. Picnics, skating parties, school functions, and church socials are ideal for first dates. You are more at ease and you do not have to carry the conversation. A natural follow-up to group dating is going out with another couple. Single dating can come later. The first dates of a young girl should NOT be single dates.

The Benefits of Dating

Dating is not only enjoyable but it also has some real benefits:

Dating helps you learn to get along socially. Being with a girl or fellow will be awkward at first, but dating will help you learn to be comfortable and at ease around those of the opposite sex.

Dating helps develop your personality. You learn how to handle situations and how to grow and mature in your relationships with others.

Dating will help you in the selection of a mate. Most every young person would like to get married some day. Dating is one way of meeting possible marriage partners. It is invaluable in helping you decide the kind of person you want to marry.

The Danger in Dating

There is also a danger in dating. The danger is that you will do something that will seriously damage your chances for future happiness and a successful marriage. It is easy for young people to think, "I have all my life before me. My choices now won't make any difference."

Yes, they will! Your dating patterns and the things you do now will determine the quality of your future life and marriage.

Who to Date

When you date someone, you are, in a sense, putting your approval on that person. A girl should know something about a fellow - his reputation and his background - before going out with him.

Every girl needs to learn that it is better to stay at home than to be out with the wrong kind of date. The same is true of fellows.

Sometimes a girl is asked to go on a "blind date" by a friend. A blind date is a date with someone you have never met before. A blind date can bring together two wonderful people, but it can also put you in a bad situation with the wrong kind of person.

You should date someone who thinks and believes much the same way that you do. There are definite dangers in dating someone whose religious beliefs are quite different from yours.

"How Do I Ask for a Date?"

Most young people would like to have more dates. The problem is how to go about asking for a date. The guys are trying to figure out how to ask the girls for a date, and the girls are trying to figure out how to get the guys to ask them!

Guys, the first move is yours! It is customary for guys to do the asking. This should be well in advance, not at the last minute. When you phone, don't make her guess who you are. Speak up and sound confident.

Your invitation should be courteous and specific. For example: "Hi, Mary. This is Jim. How about going to the ball game with me Friday night?"

Don't say, "What are you doing Friday night?" She has a right to know what you want to do before giving you her answer. Be sure to name the type of event you have in mind so she will know what to wear. You should also give the time and place so she can tell her parents. If there is any change in your plans, you should let the girl and her parents know.

If a girl refuses your invitation accept it gracefully. Just say, "Maybe we can go another time," or something similar. You do not have the right to insist that a girl explain why she is turning down your invitation.

"How Do I Accept a Date?"

A girl's reply should be polite and courteous. If she can accept, she should let the guy know that she appreciates the invitation and is looking forward to going out with him. If she cannot, she can simply say, "I'm sorry, but I can't go. But I do appreciate your asking me. " If she has a good reason why she cannot go and she wants to tell the guy, that is fine. But she should not lie.

Girls, you do not have to date every guy who asks you. If you do not want to go out with some one, tell him so. Just say, "Thank you for asking me, but I really don't want to be in a dating situation. "

Once you accept a date, keep it. Never break a date for "something better" that comes along later.

Your parents should know the purpose and destination of your date and when you expect to be home.

Good Dating Manners

Guys, when you go to the girl's house to pick her up, you should go to the door and escort her to the car. Never sit in the car and honk the horn!

If her parents are present, tell them where you are going and ask them when they would like to have their daughter home. Girls, if your parents do not set a "curfew" for you, set one for yourself. No guy is going to think much of a girl he can pick up at any time and bring home at any time.

Unless there is some understanding otherwise, the guy pays the expenses. When a guy is paying for tickets or a meal, the girl should step aside. If the girl is sharing the expenses, she should give him her share of the money ahead of time and let him take care of the expenses.

In a restaurant, the guy asks the girl what she would like and he places the order. Guys, be frank about your finances. And girls, be considerate of his finances.

Guys, if your plans about where you are going are changed, or you see that you are running late, be sure that you and your date call home. This is acting responsibly and both sets of parents will appreciate this.

It is up to the fellow to see that the girl gets home at the agreed upon time. But he can hardly be expected to walk away until the girl says goodnight and goes inside. So girls, it is up to you to take the initiative here. You can do this with a pleasant, "I've enjoyed the evening. Thank you so much for taking me."

"What if I Don't Date?"

Not all young people date. In fact, half the students in high school do not have dates. You need to know that it is not the end of the world for you if you happen to be in the half that does not date.

Concentrate on being kind, being honest, and being interested in other people. Be clean in body and mind. If you are not a "brain," try harder. It is not always the most talented people who win- it's the ones who try harder and never give up.

Try to excel in something. Learn to play an instrument or learn some skill that will give you confidence. Be generous with kind words, and keep a smile on your face.

You do not have to look beautiful to be beautiful. Young people have a wonderful way of making that point. They say that a certain person is "a beautiful person." That person may or may not have a beautiful face. The point is that they are nice to be around. They have inner qualities that make them beautiful.

Work at developing your personality and your skills. Work at being the right kind of person. If it is God's will for you to be married, the right person will come along some day and discover you. That is worth waiting for.

What to Do on a Date

One of the main reasons for dating a person is to get to know that person. There is the possibility that you might one day marry that person. You certainly want to know what someone is really like before committing yourself to spend the rest of your life with them. You do not really get to know someone from hours of "making out." It may be enjoyable but it does not help you to know each other. Some people have gone steady for several years, dating three or four times a week. They got married and found that they did not really know each other at all.

To avoid this mistake, get to know a person before getting too serious. You do not get to know someone just watching movies or TV together. Be creative and find some other things to do, like washing and polishing the car. Maybe you could make some candy together. Learn how to play some games together. Have some serious talks about your priorities. You do not get to know a person through a conversation like this: "I love you." "I love you too." "I think your eyes are pretty." "I like your eyes too." When you are with your date, try to avoid talking about yourself unless you are asked. On the other hand, it is always good to ask your date about his or her interests. It will help if you tell your date at least twice during the evening how much you are enjoying yourself.

"What About Kissing on Early Dates?"

What does a kiss mean to you? Some girls say that it is just a way of saying "Thank you" to a fellow. Why not just say, "Thank you"?

If you establish a reputation for kissing on early dates, every guy you date will expect to start with this. If you kiss on the first date or so, what will you do later on when you establish a special relationship with someone?

A kiss should be something special, reserved for someone special. If you hand out kisses freely, they become cheap and meaningless.

"What About Going Steady?"

Going steady means to date no one except your "one and only." If you are under eighteen, you should not seriously consider going steady. Neither of you has met enough people to decide on "the one. "

Going steady has advantages and disadvantages. One advantage for the girl is that she always knows she has a date, no matter what. She does not have to go through the agony of waiting for the phone to ring. She can relax in the knowledge that her "steady" is going to be her escort to whatever comes along.

It is convenient for the guy too. He does not have to fight off the competition. It is easier on his pocketbook because he does not have to spend a bundle to impress a new girl each week. And he does not run the risk of being turned down or being without a date.

This sounds like a comfortable arrangement, but it has some real disadvantages and it can be dangerous.

One disadvantage is that you tend to take each other for granted. Sloppy habits develop. Why be "Mr. Courteous" when you know she is going to be your date regardless?

Another disadvantage is that teens who go steady are cut off from others. They are "out of circulation." Your teen years are years when you should be learning about other people. When you date a number of people, you learn about different personalities, and what you like and do not like in a person. This is valuable knowledge that will help you when you are ready to choose a mate.

Going steady puts you "out of circulation."

The dangerous aspect of going steady is that it often leads to "going all the way" -having sexual intercourse. Most young people who go steady never intend going this far, but frequent intimate contact with each other leads to familiarity.

You may say, "But I'm not that kind of girl," or "I'm not that kind of guy." Maybe not, but it happens to teens by the thousands each year, and it can happen to you.

"How do I Break Up?"

When you date someone regularly for awhile and come to realize that he or she is not the right one, you will want to move on and date others. But how do you break up without a lot of hurt?

Breaking up will always hurt, but a few things will help in healing the hurt. Do not just drop out of someone's life without an explanation. When the time comes to break the news, do not phone and do not write a letter. Make it a point to get with the other person and tell him or her personally.

Be honest but also be kind. Make it brief but avoid saying hurtful things. If you are really not for each other, both of you will realize some day that breaking up was the best thing that could have happened.

Afterward, don't broadcast the details to your friends. In fact, don't talk about it-PERIOD!

Breaking up? Don't write...Don't phone...Tell them personally.

12 Rules To Keep You Out of Trouble

Some of these rules are for both guys and girls. Some are especially for the girls, and some are especially for the guys. We will start with rules which are for both:

Learn to say "No." The most important word for any young person to learn to say is the tiny, two-letter word "No. " Learn to say it firmly and finally. Say "No" to the gang who is doing the wrong thing. Say "No" to the guy or girl with little or no morals who wants to drag you down. Say "No!" to your own lusts and desires.

Set your standards before you begin to date. Determine to stick with them, even if it means losing dates.

Have a curfew - that is, have a certain time you have to be home. If your parents do not set one for you, set one for yourself. Riding around in the middle of the night with nothing to do is asking for trouble.

Do not park in a car "just to talk." It is dangerous in more ways than one. The safest and best place for socializing is in the girl's living room, provided her parents are at home. Don't park "just to talk."

Do not engage in petting. Petting is like marijuana - it leads to stronger stuff. For a girl to trade any part of her body for someone's company is a poor bargain.

Do not tease. It is a sin to arouse sexual desires in another person that you cannot legitimately fulfill.

Guard your mind. Stay away from filthy reading material and the wrong kind of movies and TV shows. A clean mind is priceless, and you cannot have a clean mind if you pour garbage into it.

Especially For Girls

Choose your dates wisely. Do not go out with a guy unless you have introduced him to your parents. Do not go out with a guy if your father or brothers strongly disapprove of him. Men know other men better than women know them. Likewise, women can sense what another woman is like better than men.

Be careful how you dress. You may be saying one thing with your lips and something else by the way you dress.

Do not deliberately walk into big temptation. Avoid being alone with your boyfriend in either your house or his when no one else is at home. Many young people have discovered to their sorrow and regret that this led to temptations greater than they could handle.

Especially For Guys

Get some hard exercise every day. You will feel better and find it easier to control your desire for sex if you get some hard exercise each day. Exercise will burn up your excess energy and relieve the tension you feel at times. A fellow who has had two hours of football or basket ball practice or jogged five miles is not likely to be riding around in the evening looking for a girl.

Take the lead in spiritual matters. God requires the same standard of purity in guys as in girls. God also expects the man to take the lead in spiritual matters. Why not start now in your dating relationships?

An excellent rule for you to follow is this: Do not do anything with a girl that you do not want some fellow to do with your future wife.

Guys and girls, let's face it - keeping yourself pure in our sex crazy world is not easy. It takes courage for a fellow to leave a party when the kids start heading for the bedrooms. It takes courage for a girl to say "No" and keep saying it. But the reward is great. A girl who was keeping herself pure told her father that sometimes she wondered what she was waiting for. He replied wisely, "I think I can tell you what you are waiting for. You are waiting to be free. Free from the nagging voice of conscience and the grey shadow of guilt. Free to give all of yourself, not a panicky fraction..." What's the reward? It's this: Being able to begin your married life with no shame, no guilt and no regrets.

How to Rate With the Fellows

According to a survey, the fellows mentioned ten things most often in describing a good date:

All of these "good date" characteristics can be developed. Conversational skill can be improved; attractiveness can be developed by any clean, wholesome girl, regardless of whether she is "beautiful" or not. Ladylike behavior can be learned, as can neatness, promptness, a good personality, friendliness, and a sense of humor.

When you are on a date, let the fellow know that you are interested in him. Look him straight in the eye when you talk to him. Listen carefully when he is talking. Talk about his interests. Do not talk about your other dates and do not gossip. If you are in a crowd remember to concentrate on your date. Relax and be yourself.

How to Rate with the Girl

In the same survey, teen girls mentioned ten things they most liked in a date, in order of preference:

Take a good look at the list, guys. There is no mention of being rich or good-looking. These things that girls have listed as being important to them can all be developed. Begin now to acquire these traits.

The girls also mentioned several things in the fellows that they did NOT like:

- those who expect or insist on "petting"

- those who are conceited - those who ask for last-minute dates

- those who do not let a girl know what kind of date to expect.

Reprinted by permission, COMPASS Magazine;
The Christian and Missionary Alliance, New York, N. Y.